How Swede it is: Jenguard, the Viking statue of Jensen Beach, Florida

For forty some-odd years, the Jensen Beach Elementary School, in the mid-eastern Florida coast town of Jensen Beach, has had an 18-foot fiberglass Viking warrior standing watch outside their front door. Jenguard, as he's known, has survived hurricanes and vandalism and stands looking every bit the ferocious Norseman, what with his horned helmet, blond beard and locks, blue tunic and yellow tights. And being a European visiting Florida, he's also wearing white tube socks with his calf-strap sandals. He started out as an employee of the Viking Carpet chain back in the 1960s. Back then, they used these longboating behemoths as eye-catching barkers for their flooring emporiums along the open road. Nowadays, the surviving statues appear mostly as Viking mascots in front of schools much like Jensen Elementary. You can get the whole saga here from road scholar Debra Jane Seltzer on her indispensable roadside architecture website.

And even though this is Florida and Vikings weren't known to winter or even summer here, Jenguard seems appropriate because Jensen Beach is named after John Laurence Jensen, an immigrant from Denmark who set up a pineapple plantation here in 1881. May the Norse be with you.

Manly, yes, but I like it too: The Muffler Man of Tampa, Florida

There's an auto repair shop on the corner of South 50th Street and Causeway Boulevard in Tampa, Florida that bills itself as The Original Muffler City (not one of those ersatz, faux, or phony baloney Muffler Cities) and they have just the mascot to prove it standing out front: a wrench-wielding, Bunyanesque muffler man. How nice to see a muffler man actually promoting, oh, I don't know, mufflers. The architecture of the shop itself has a great retro feel, too, with it's bright yellow and blue lettering, stars and triangular flags flapping in the breeze. I'll tell ya, if we needed a new muffler and were in the Tampa Bay area, this would be the place we would go. It would be our muffler manifest destiny.

What, me worry? The happy halfwit Muffler Man of Winslow, New Jersey

 An homage, a distant relative, or an incredible coincidence...

...you decide.

There's an old-fashioned drive-in restaurant in southern New Jersey with a great mascot out front to lure in hungry beach-goers and locals to try the pastrami cheesesteaks, homemade onion rings and custard eclairs. A 3-story former Muffler Man with a face that's a dead ringer for Mad magazine's Alfred E. Neuman proudly stands watch in front of Mr. Bill's Coney Island Drive-In on Route 73 in Winslow, just off the Atlantic City Expressway. Mr. Bill's has been a South Jersey institution for over fifty years, and offers an authentic retro vibe where Richie, Potsie and Ralph Malph would feel right at home. When the drive-in first opened, its owner, Ray, named the place after his father-in-law, Bill. It was also Ray who purchased the Muffler Mad-Man and made him Mr. Bill's' master of ceremonies, getting the attention of eccentric roadside attraction fans ever since. Categorized as "happy halfwits" by the Muffler Man aficionados at roadsideamerica.com, they are a rare mutation of the more common Paul Bunyan MMs, with similar bodies but heads of a more, shall we say, moronic nature. Which brings to mind a sage quote from Mr. Neuman himself: "It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"

Jersey Girl: The former Miss Uniroyal of Blackwood, New Jersey

Nitro Girl stands in front of Werbany Tire Town, luring in tire customers in with her sex appeal.

 She holds a real car tire and has a harness for back support.

Baby got back.

 Nitro Girl was our third Uniroyal gal spotting. The first was Martha of Martha's Cafe in Blackfoot, Idaho...

 ...and the second was the gloriously restored biker chick of the Farnham Colossi of Unger, West Virginia.

New Jersey and Muffler Men go together like Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band, and that includes their female counterpart, the Uniroyal Gal. Named for the tire brand they represented back in the '60s, the gals are a rare find for the eccentric roadside attraction fan. Roadsideamerica.com, the electronic bible of all things Muffler, reports that there are only about 10 or so of these gals still out in public view, so it was worth a trip to Blackwood, New Jersey to see Nitro Girl, the mascot of Werbany Tire Town. She's decked out in a superhero-like blouse and skirt with a flying W logo on her chest and stars on her skirt, go-go boots and flip hair-do. Had we been at Werbany's during normal business hours (and not on a Sunday morning), we might have been able to obtain a Nitro Girl bobblehead doll, as some other patrons have. Alas, we'll have to make do with our memories, for this was a Nitro to remember.

A Muffler Man after our own heartburn

The folks in the advertising department at Proctor & Gamble had the good taste to feature an Eccentric Roadside favorite, the Muffler Man, in their print ad for Prilosec heartburn reliever inserted in our local newspaper. We're not quite sure what he's doing there, behind Prilosec pitchman (and "actual user") Larry the Cable Guy, especially since the ad seems to be promoting "a fancy coating that gives you a burst of wildberry flavor". But we're not here to quibble; we're thrilled to see this fine specimen of Muffler Manhood appearing in any media, advertising or otherwise. And we actually had the good fortune to see this fellow in the flesh (or fiberglass, if you're going to nitpick). He's located in the wonderful little town of Atlanta, Illinois on glorious Route 66. He was put there after his owners, who once used him to promote a hot dog stand, donated him to the town to remain a Route 66 icon.

We've never felt the need to take an acid indigestion remedy, but if the occasion ever "comes up" we'll definitely keep Prilosec in mind. We hope this statement reflux our enthusiasm sufficiently.

Outstanding in their field: The Farnham Colossi of Unger, West Virginia

Left to right: Brian the beach dude, the Uniroyal Gal, George Farnham, the Midas Muffler Man, and Big John

 The Mount Rushmore of Roadside giants

Doh!  The Farnhams have a complete kiddie roller coaster track, complete with the Simpsons. 

The greater metroploitan Unger area, what the Colossi are so intently staring out at.

If ever there was a place that should be included on an eccentric roadside attraction fan's bucket list, the Farnham Colossi of Unger, West Virginia would certainly place very high. There, you'll find countless (well, I suppose you could count them) Muffler Man-type statues keeping watch over numerous other, more diminutive roadside whimsical characters that roam the property of George and Pam Farnham, collectors par excellence of eccentric over-sized roadabilia. Their collection began with one Muffler Man bought on e-bay, and, well, you know how it is when you have a hobby...sometimes you just can't help yourself. So now their yard in zoning-free rural West Virginny is a paradise of roadside giants. It's not the easiest place to get to and not exactly on the way to anywhere ("Honey, I'm going to the Colossi...you need anything?"), but that makes it all the more meaningful when you arrive. Buddhists have Bodh Gaya, Muslims have Mecca, and we roadside kooks have Unger. This is private property, though, so it was with great caution and respect that I tiptoed around the driveway upon arrival. Luckily for me, George came out and we chatted for a few minutes and he gave me the all-clear to explore the yard. I asked if there was a Holy Grail of highway titans he was seeking and he said he already had it. An ultra-rare Uniroyal Gal was acquired with help from the roadside gurus at Roadsideamerica.com, and George says he spent "way too much" restoring it with automobile fiberglass paint that is "guaranteed to last until the day you die".  And she is stunning, let me tell you. The definitive story of the Farnhams is here on the indispensible Roadsideamerica.com. 

Here's to the Farnhams and Roadsideamerica.com for flying that freak roadside attraction flag high and proud and getting us to boldly go where no eccentric roadside attraction fan has gone before. Let's give them all a great big hand.